Sandwiched: When I Became “Middle Aged”
August 1, 2008 by Smooth Moves Lady
Filed under Family Matters
The following is a letter from a member of the “Sandwich Generation:”
During the end of my son’s senior year in high school, I divorced, I moved, put the children in new schools and my father was diagnosed with cancer.
In addition to helping my youngest son prepare for college, I had an older son that was struggling to find his independence, make adult decisions, and hold down a job. I also had a daughter in grade school.
Dad’s cancer was treatable but not curable. It was a heavy hit for all of us, and I finally had to accept that my parents wouldn’t live forever. You always know that, but you don’t really accept it until you must. Mom was stoic and I worried about her almost as much as I worried about Dad.
At that time, I suddenly had an ah-ha moment. I just barely missed being a part of the baby-boomer generation, but I was now a definite member of the infamous “sandwich generation.”
There I was, still responsible for children at home, I had children out of the house and I was beginning to wonder how I was going to meet all my personal and parental responsibilities, while trying to figure out how to help my parents navigate the rocky path they had ahead.
I made some huge changes in my own life soon thereafter. I moved, to be closer to them. I moved into a smaller place so I would have less to do. Besides, I needed less space with only the two of us at home now.
I immediately reassessed and changed my life. I started spinning off responsibilities that weren’t essential and started tying up lose ends to prepare for being more “on call” for my parents.
As the eldest child, I feel responsible for them. Of course I feel responsible for everyone and always have — but that’s another issue.
Now I feel guilty… because there is a part of me that resents the fact that I’ve been denied the opportunity to enjoy some much-needed, and well-earned freedom. I’ve been raising kids since I was 21. Now, I’m 42. I started on this path half my life ago. In another 8 years, my daughter will be headed to college.
Despite the fact that I love being a parent, and a daughter, and an aunt and a sister… I find myself wondering… when is it my turn? By the time it is, I’m afraid I’ll be too old to enjoy it and that’s depressing.
The guilt from these selfish thoughts is almost overwhelming, but it doesn’t stop them from coming. Right now, and for the foreseeable future, this is the way things are. I’ve accepted that. And finally I’ve learned to say “no” to the things that aren’t really important. That helps.
I no longer seek or willingly take on outside obligations these days — I have plenty with my children, my parents, my business and other less important things, like sleeping and eating. What I DO is ask for help when I need it, and accept it when it’s offered. Sounds like a small thing, but for me it’s not. For me, accepting help is a new thing. Brand new.
But at this point in my life, it’s necessary,
Feeling squeezed
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